I have a lot to learn!

Oh wow. Blogger has changed its layout since I last blogged. Interesting. That must mean I'm not blogging enough.


Well, I guess I really just felt the need to share with anyone who might be out there the things I've learned in the past few months.


I've learned quite a lot, so buckle up.


The first thing I've learned is that things don't get done if you don't do them.


Now, that might seem like a simple concept to you. Of course things won't get done if you don't do them. Things don't do themselves!

But I've been pretending for so long that they would. I say to myself 'I don't know who is going to clean out that attic, but it's not my job! It will get done eventually.'.

But here it is, three years later, and it's not done.

At first it was confusing 'wait, it's still not done?', but then I realized that how could it have gotten done when I did not do it?

So I did.

For the past few months, everyone around the house has been more or less just existing. Dishes were done by whoever got fed up with the piles of filth first, and everything else was accomplished in more or less the same way.

But about two months ago, I decided it was enough.

'Is this the way my home should look?' I asked myself.

'NO!!' was the fervent reply.

So I started cleaning. Not just straightening. Cleaning. As in: even the 'junk drawers' were organized and sparkling.

I decided that I was going to take charge of my house, and I did. I started telling my siblings that their rooms needed to be cleaned, or I would clean them with trash bags. As un happy as they were with it at first, guess whose rooms are clean now?

That's right. Everybody's.

The second lesson I started learning was pride.

And not in the 'I'm better than you' kind of way, but in the 'I am not ashamed' kind of way.

The more I cleaned, the happier I was with not only my home, but with myself. I am so happy that I have been strong enough to take charge of the situation, and patient enough to see it through to the end. I've been able not only to get my house clean, but to keep it that way. By setting a good example, and by consistently keeping up with any untidiness, I've been able to maintain a house that I can proudly call my home.

Yet another lesson I've learned is that sometimes, things don't work out, and it's okay. When a gal is on a empowering cleaning streak, she tends to let her head swell just a bit.

Okay, okay, I got to the point where my pride spilled over from the 'not being ashamed' type to the 'better than you' type. But don't worry. The universe quickly put me in my place.

But I'm going to try to explain this lesson without explaining the situation that lead to it. Sorry if that's too vague, but I don't want to go into so much detail. My friends and family are tired of hearing me talk about about the situation as it is.

Let me just say that something didn't work out. And I got angry. But I quickly realized that anger will not make the situation work out the way I would like it to. Neither would pointing fingers and playing the blame game. Yes, it is easy to get angry. Yes, sometimes, it might feel nice to have someone to blame for things not working out.

But the bottom line is, not everything will work out the way you'd like it to. Instead of crying about it or yelling about it, maybe you should just accept the fact that there is nothing you can do to change it.

Just let go of the need to control every situation.

Sometimes, the best thing to do when nothing will make a situation better is just that- nothing.

Just move on. In the end, you're still alive and healthy and there are plenty of other things you can do with your life. So pick one and move on.

To learn all of these things in such a short amount of time was so overwhelming. It was frustrating at times, too, but the lessons that are worth learning are never easy to learn.

But they're always worth it.

Control

I can control my attitude.
I cannot control the actions of others.
I can control my reactions.
I cannot control others' perceptions.
I can control my mood and my perspective.
I cannot control the decisions that others choose to make.

I wish I had more control than I do. I wish, when things go wrong or when people disagree, that I could mentally place one person in the others shoes. I wish I could take their viewpoint and give it a fresh, untainted perspective.

Take off those thorn colored glasses. See the roses all around you.

Are your actions hurting or helping those around you? Do you even care? You should.

Burning bridges leads only to you being alone on an island with no way out.

I apologize for the vague post. Those who know what has been going on will understand my frustrations.

I sometimes wish life weren't so sad.

I know that if I live as though the Savior were beside me, I will be happy in the end. Sometimes, though, having an Eternal Perspective is very very hard.

What would mom say if she were here?

I am woman - watch me shine!

One of my favorite things in the world is being a woman. I have spent the past year and a half being the only woman in whatever place I've lived. I think that this has had an effect on the amount of appreciation I have for womanly things. I definitely appreciate, more than I had in the past, things that emphasize my femininity!! I have made a list of some of my favorite things that maybe my ladies out there can appreciate with me!

First of all, I love doing my hair. Curly, straight, up, down, no matter what style I go with, I love that my hair looks amazing! Yeah, every once in awhile, I have a bad hair day, but they are few and far between!

I love doing my nails! Making sure they are shiny and polished and the perfect shape may take time, but the effort is worth it! Being able to look down at my hand and look at my lovely nails that I work to maintain makes me smile!

I absolutely love keeping my legs smooth! I have said time and time again that the best feeling in the world is freshly shaven legs and clean bedsheets! And they look so good!

The next thing I love doing is moisturizing! Lotion on my legs, my feet, my arms and shoulders! The one thing better than having soft hair is having soft skin! Not only does moisturized skin look healthier, but it feels better! I hate the feeling of dry skin!

Last but not least, one of the best things ever about being a woman is smelling pretty! From hair products to lotions to body sprays to perfumes to soaps and conditioners!! Mixing and matching scents is one of the more enjoyable steps to getting ready!

Everyone out there has their list of favorite things to do and every girl has a reason that they love being a woman!! This is my list for today, but what's on yours? Come on, amigas, what is on your list of favorite things about being a beautiful woman?

Sunrise

I have been living in California for four months, now.

Since I have been here, I have found everything a girl needs to be comfortable!
I have found a home away from home in the church the young single adults meet in. The feelings of security and warmth are so comforting and the spirit of love is so strong, it is almost tangible!

I have found a great friend who also serves as my therapist. She is a radiant light of positivity and advice! I am glad to have someone here on whom I can rely!

I have also found a thriving social life. I have been to a party almost every weekend since (and including) my birthday. I have more friends here than I can shake a stick at, although why I would want to, I haven't the slightest! The YSA ward alone is bigger than the stake back home!

Among these bare necessities for fun and comfort, I have also found things within myself that have helped me to realize my own strengths.

Since I have been here, I have read my scriptures and said my prayers every single night. I have a small notebook I have been journaling my days in. I have uncovered in myself a passion and a drive. I want to be better than I am. I want to be able to look back day after day and say 'I am better today than I was yesterday'.

I have been striving to improve in all areas of my life. I have already described my improvements in the areas of spirituality and social interaction. Let me continue by describing the ways I have been improving in other areas.

I have been improving physically. I go out for walks in the park, I play volleyball every week and I have played very intense games of soccer at almost half of the beaches in San Diego. I like sports. I like getting sweaty and feeling like a pile of mush the morning after a game. I like the pain that I feel when my muscles are screaming at me to chill out or take a break. But I never do. They are not the boss of me. I am the boss of them.

I have been improving mentally. I have read more books since I got here than I had in the whole of 2010 and now that I am on a roll, there is no stopping me! I have downloaded the entire works of Shakespeare, the Sayings of Confusious, Pride and Prejudice, A Tale of Two Cities and countless other classics that I have yet to read! I have also been downloading textbooks relating to science and math, my weakest subjects. Who am I to sit idlly by while math and science get the best of me? I refuse to be beaten by them any longer and I am going to be the master of them if it takes all year!

Last night, I arrived an hour early for Sports Night. I was alone with myself. One of the things I have wanted to be able to do since I got here was serving overhand in volleyball. I do not know why I have been so determined to learn how to do this, but I spent an hour last night putting effort into my goal. I practiced my overhand serve until my hand shook. The rest of the night, I was even unable to fully straighten out my fingers on that hand.

Why would I do this? What could have possessed me to spend a full hour repetedly smacking a volleyball against the wall with all my might? Why subject myself to an aching shoulder in the morning and a shaky hand even as I type? The answer is the same reason I will do the same thing next Thursday. Because I have a potential and I realize now what a pity it is to waste that sort of thing.

I have realized the value of working for the things you want. I do not know what took me so long nor do I know how I could have settled for ordinary all this time. But I am done with ordinary.

I have been filled with fresh determination since I have arrived here. I am going to be the best I can be. No excuses, no settling.

I am Mary. I have potental that will no longer go to waste. I am living my life.

Fresh start!

Alright, so I am done with advertising on the blog. I mean, yeah, it was cool, but seriously, I am done. I want my blog to be fun, and a reflection of who I am. I don't want to be a sellout. I want this to be something I want to do, not something I am obligated to do, yaknow?

I miss the people, the other bloggers, and just the atmosphere this blog exposed me to.

I kind of want to come back to all of this and I mean on a consistent basis. I know I have a lot I want to write about and I want to write for me. I want to get my creative side going, because I have been concentrating so hard on social and educational aspects, I think my creativity and writing is starting to suffer.

Anyway, I just thought I would kick it off with this.

Soon, I am going to be blogging regularly. I got a new iPad for my birthday April 29th, and this on-screen keyboard will take some getting used to, so until I get back up to the 70-80 wpm I was at before when I was typing regularly with an actual keyboard, my posts will be shorter than my usual rambling.

I think that will be a healthy and welcome change, though.

In San Diego

My mother's favorite brother called me on the 13th of January on his way home from the hospital. His foot was broken and he had just gotten a cast on it.

He needed me to come out and help him drive to and from work, so I told him I would come as soon as possible.

I was there the next Wednesday.

I've been in San Diego now for about 2 weeks and I am looking for something more to do. Maybe a job, maybe volunteering, maybe writing. I don't know. I've been sitting at the apartment for two weeks now and while the weekends have been full of trips to the mall and seaworld and oldtown and other fun places, there's only so much I can do during the week at home.

I've already cleaned the apartment. It'll only get so clean.

I've already made cookies (sugar free sugar and chocolate chip for my diabetic uncle!!) and apple pie. There's only so much cooking one can do before there's nothing to make anymore.

I've done the dishes, I've unpacked boxes that had been packed, I've looked online for jobs, and I've updated twitter, facebook, and now my blog.

I'm going stir crazy.

Anyway, I'm just letting the world know how I'm doing. Now to look for more jobs.

Almost a year.

I'm up way too late, but I don't care. I'm 22 years old and I can do what I want. That's what I like to tell myself, at least.

A week and a half from now, it will have been a year since my mom died. September 29th is the anniversary of her passing away.

A lot has happened since then; some good, some not so good. In March, our family found out that my dad has a Melanoma. Those of you who follow me on twitter might remember the exact day, because I freaked out just hearing the 'C' word.

Dad had a few surgeries. One to remove the melanoma in early April, another to remove certain inguinal lymph nodes on April 29th. In case you don't know why I would remember the specific date, April 29th happens to be my birthday. My first birthday without my mom and I spent it in a hospital room looking after my dad.

Luckily, I had a friend who was kind enough to bring a wonderful goody bag full of party supplies and treats and presents to me the day before, so when I got to the hospital, I could have my own little party while dad was drugged up and knocked out.

Also, luckily, I had a friend, who had spent a lot of time in that same hospital as a child, come visit me while dad was in surgery, so I didn't have to wait alone. He showed me where the little room was to get dad water or juice or something, and he showed me where the extra linens were. He even kept dad company with me while he was there (and while dad was awake). The guy spent at least 8 hours at the hospital with me, playing bored games with me, chatting it up with dad, and just being there.

In the summer, Dad started an ongoing treatment. He's doing some 'immuno-therapy' stuff, called 'interferon' (sp?). Basically, it's a month (five days a week for four weeks) of high dose meds that make him feel like he's got the flu, and 48 weeks of low dose, less frequent (three times a week) shots that he's been giving himself.

He got an infection a couple weeks ago and none of the antibiotics they tried slowed it down, so they had to go in surgically and remove everything, so that stunk. He spent a week in the hospital, and I spent three days there until he made me go home to take care of the house.

Things have been calmer since then, and I'm glad. I have time to reflect upon the things that have happened this year, and I have time to remember when everything was easy.

I'm still grateful to have a wonderful family, and I'm thankful to still have one parent. I'm thankful for everything my mother was while she was here, and to the wonderful example she set. I'm grateful for the support of our friends here, who, the day they heard dad was in the hospital, sent flowers, visited us, and had us over for dessert and movies and games.

It's just Dad, myself, and my two little brothers at home now, so when dad's not around, it feels like we're a broken family or something. Thankfully, we have a wonderful bunch of friends who are there for us, and we can rely on them for anything, even if it's just a night of company and fellowship to keep our minds off of things.

Yeah, life could stand to be a little easier, but I'm grateful that it's not worse, and that we're going through everything as a family. We still laugh and play and talk and watch movies together, and we say "I love you" to each other more often, and I'm thankful for the trials we've been handed, because they've helped us grow stronger and closer.

I miss you, mom, and I wish you were here, and even though I know you aren't coming back, I hope, at least, you're watching us, and that you're proud of how we've managed so far without you. I know I'll see you again, but until then, my memories of your life and your love will have to do to keep me company when I think I can't handle things.

"And when one of us is gone
and one of us is left to carry on
then remembering will have to do.
Our memories alone will get us through.
Think about the days of me and you.
You and me against the world."

--Helen Reddy